Singapore

Ah, Singapore. A clean city - a nice city. A city where the only bad things that happen are the fault of the government. Regardless, it's a place to go, to see, to do. And even though it's a whitewashed dilution of Asian culture, it's still fun. And a gorgeous city, to boot.



The thing that always gets me about Asian cities, the rub I guess you could say, is the food. I love food. Food might be the best goddamn thing about travelling in the world. Well... maybe; I'm a fan of women, too. And since I have the yellow fever (I also have chocolate, mocha, coffee, white, and hot fever) Singapore's a good place to be.

Here's my advice if you're going to Singapore.

1) Don't bring any drugs. They kill you. Honest to God, they hauled some guy out of line behind me in the aeroport accusing him of dealing drugs and I never saw him again. Of course, I'd never seen him before, either. Suspicious? Well... the truth is out there.

2) Really - don't bring any drugs. It's a no-fucking-around sort of place.

3) Bubblegum's no good either. You need a special permit to bring it into the county, otherwise they charge you $900 (after the mail-in-rebate and the exchange, that's only something like $68, but still!).

4) Eat from vendors on the street. I understand that in, say, Mexico, this is tantamount to volunteering to shit out of your eyes for the next 3 weeks, but in Singapore, you can get away with a lot. Most of the vendors on the street are fantastic, and I only got sick once, and it only lasted 45 minutes.

5) Flush the toilet. If they find out you didn't flush the toilet, they can fucking cane you. It makes sense, though - any standing water is a breeding ground for mosquitos and mosquitos breed Dengue Fever. Dengue Fever is totally the balls.

6) Don't think about renting a car. Ha! It costs a ridiculous amount of money to even own a car, so it's cheaper to just walk or take the public transit. The city's not that big anyways.

7) Don't be gay. It's illegal here. (Yay for progress) Unless you're a woman, and in private, then it's not unacceptable. Note: I didn't say "acceptable."

So, here's where I normally would insert a story about how I broke some rule accidentally and ended up caught up with the police and then we all had a laugh and I went on my merry way. That didn't happen here. See, I remembered the story of the tourist who was put to death because they had drugs on them, but the drugs had been planted. I was fucking vigilant with my luggage (which was minimal - just my backpack and carry on) and I didn't screw around at all. I mean, sure, I drank, I was merry, I had my fun (ah, Singapore, land of hot asian girls with decent teeth). But I was careful.

Hmm - this isn't the most fun entry ever. It's more like a "holyshitbecarefuloryoudie" post.

Okay, here's my advice, then: go to all the festivals you see. There will be great food and good scenery and loads of fun. If you speak any of the languages (there's, like, 19 official languages) then people will treat you like a genius. If not, they'll treat you like a bit of a dipstick. Get into Singlish - it's a wonderful creole. And if you see any of these girls:



Tell 'em that the biggest gwai'loh ever says "Chimo" - they'll know what you're saying.